THEWEEKLY WALLY
theweeklywally.co.ukThursday 24 September 2026Issue 17PRICE: SUBJECT TO REVIEW

BASKET MYSTERY DEEPENS

WALLY INVESTIGATES WHO PUT BURNHAM’S NAME ON IT

Donald Trump and Andy Burnham sit together at the United Nations. Beside them, Tac sits next to a wicker dog basket whose label shows BLAIR crossed out above BURNHAM. A newspaper on the floor reads “Britain Rolls Over on Chagos”.

Burnham’s basket remains at the centre of the investigation. Tac has examined the evidence. He has declined to get in the basket.

By Our Diplomatic Correspondent

The Weekly Wally has launched an investigation into the mysterious wicker dog basket seen during Andy Burnham’s meeting with Donald Trump. The basket, prominently marked BURNHAM, has raised a number of questions which neither government appears to have considered important enough to answer.

Chief among them is whether the Prime Minister brought his own labelled dog basket with him, whether the White House keeps personalised baskets ready for visiting world leaders, or whether somebody simply found one in a cupboard.

Our investigation has also established that the basket appears to have had a previous life. Close examination suggests that another name may once have occupied the same prestigious position now taken by BURNHAM.

The Weekly Wally understands that inquiries are therefore concentrating on one question:

DID IT USED TO SAY BLAIR?

Officials have so far failed to explain who supplied the basket, when the lettering was changed, or whether former prime ministers are expected to return their baskets when leaving office.

The Chagos Islands were also discussed during the meeting.

QUESTIONS RAISED OVER TRUMP MATCHES

OFFICIALS INVESTIGATE HOW HE GOT HOLD OF THEM

Donald Trump stands at the construction site of a monumental arch, holding a box labelled “Trump Matches” and a lit match. Ammunition crates are stacked nearby while Tac watches from the foreground.

Trump arrives at the construction site with the matches. Investigators have yet to establish whether a responsible adult was present.

By Our Health and Safety Correspondent

An investigation has been launched after Donald Trump was seen carrying matches at the site of his proposed triumphal arch in Washington. The matches have attracted particular attention because their packaging clearly states that they are not suitable for children.

Investigators are now attempting to establish where the President obtained them, whether anybody checked the warning before handing them over, and who allowed him onto a construction site while carrying them.

The Weekly Wally understands that several matches have already been removed from the box. At least one has been lit.

Officials stressed that the investigation is at an early stage and said it would be premature to speculate about who bought the matches or whether a responsible adult was present at the time.

The proposed arch is intended to double as a military complex storing drones, sniper equipment and large quantities of ammunition. That is not currently thought to be relevant to the investigation.

RUBBER BAND CAUGHT IN INTELLIGENCE CRACKDOWN

TRUMP BAFFLED BY HOW IT KNOWS

Donald Trump sits in the Oval Office holding a burger and drink while officials place laptops, phones, calculators, rulers and other equipment into a metal bin labelled “Trump Intelligence Disposal Unit”. Tac watches beside newspapers reporting the intelligence crackdown.

The Trump Intelligence Disposal Unit continues to receive material. A rubber band has now attracted the attention of investigators.

By Our Intelligence Correspondent

A Trump Intelligence crackdown has begun in Washington, with laptops, mobile phones, calculators and slide rules being removed from government offices and sent to a special disposal unit. But attention has now turned to one particularly troubling discovery.

A rubber band.

The rubber band came to Donald Trump’s attention after somebody stretched it and let go. It returned to its original shape. Trump is understood to have asked how it knew where to go.

The experiment was repeated several times.

Every time, the rubber band knew.

Officials were unable to provide an explanation that did not involve elasticity. The rubber band was subsequently classified as intelligence and placed in the Trump Intelligence Disposal Unit.

The Weekly Wally understands that officials are now checking government offices for other objects which may know things.

A spring is helping with inquiries.

RECORD OF THE WEEK

The Starmeroids — Nigel’s on the Take Again

Record artwork for The Starmeroids’ Nigel’s on the Take Again, set in The Cadgers Arms with a punk-styled man holding a pint while a blonde woman kisses his cheek and holds a five-pound note.

His round remains under investigation.

Available on all major platforms. Chart position pending review.

The Weekly Wally understands that several platforms have been unable to locate the chart. Investigations continue.