THEWEEKLY WALLY
theweeklywally.co.ukThursday 17 September 2026Issue 16PRICE: SUBJECT TO REVIEW

WEEKLY WALLY EXCLUSIVE

AMERICA CONFIRMS IT HAS WEAPONS IN SPACE.
IT WILL NOT SAY WHAT THEY ARE.

Officials have declined to describe the weapons, their capabilities or their number. The Weekly Wally can now publish what is believed to be the first photograph of the system.

Tac, a small black cat, is seen from behind inside a spacecraft looking through a large window towards Earth. The International Space Station is visible above the curved blue horizon, surrounded by numerous floating blond hairpieces at different distances in space.

At least seventeen unexplained objects photographed from a crewed spacecraft in low Earth orbit. The objects appear to be operating in formation. The International Space Station is visible several kilometres away.

By Mr Assumption, Speculation Correspondent

The United States confirmed on Monday that it possesses on-orbit space-control weapons. Secretary of the Air Force Troy Meink told the 2026 Air, Space & Cyber Conference in National Harbor, Maryland, that the systems are capable of defending the joint force against hostile adversary action.

He did not say what the weapons are. He did not say what they do. He did not say how many there are. The wording is understood to have been chosen with considerable care.

The Weekly Wally accepts entirely that further detail may be a matter of national security. It has therefore obtained a photograph.

Our picture appears to show at least seventeen unexplained hairpieces operating in formation above the Earth. No conventional launch vehicle, propulsion system or obvious means of station-keeping can be seen.

The Pentagon has not confirmed whether the objects shown in our photograph are the weapons referred to in Monday's announcement. It has not denied it either.

How the objects might defend against an incoming threat remains unclear. The Weekly Wally has therefore considered the available evidence.

The hairpieces may be capable of firing hairspray at approaching weapons. They may be equipped with automatic combs. A sufficiently advanced system might be able to brush aside an attack before it reaches its target.

Whether hairspray would be deployed before or after the automatic combs is unknown.

A third possibility is that the objects generate sufficient static electricity to interfere with an approaching weapon. This newspaper has been unable to calculate how much rubbing would be required.

None of these theories has been confirmed.

No hostile weapon has yet been reported to have got past them.

The 1967 Outer Space Treaty prohibits placing nuclear weapons or other weapons of mass destruction in orbit. It does not impose the same prohibition on conventional weapons.

It is silent on hair.

Whether an orbiting hairpiece constitutes a conventional weapon is not defined. The treaty contains no specific provisions concerning hairspray, automatic combs or static electricity.

It does, however, appear to leave considerable room for manoeuvre.

Whether the objects themselves are kinetic or non-kinetic could not be established. The deterrent effect is assessed as considerable.

NEW POLICE ASSISTANT NAMED BOBBI.
RESIDENTS REPORT A DIFFERENT BOBBY.

Merseyside Police has introduced an AI-powered virtual assistant for non-emergency enquiries. The Weekly Wally has conducted its own operational test.

Tac, a small black cat, sits high in a leafy tree while two men unload furniture and rubbish beside a white van. In the foreground, a phone shows the Merseyside Police Bobbi virtual assistant replying ‘Rock on, Tommy!’ to a question about a cat stuck up a tree. Liverpool Cathedral is visible behind the scene.

Tac remains in a tree while The Weekly Wally tests Merseyside Police's new Bobbi virtual assistant. Two men and a white van can be seen nearby. A sofa has also arrived.

By Our Technology Correspondent

Merseyside Police has launched an AI-powered virtual assistant called Bobbi to help people with non-emergency police-related queries, guidance and services.

The service provides an additional way of contacting the force and does not replace 101 or 999.

The Weekly Wally decided to test the new technology with a traditional policing problem: a cat stuck up a tree.

Our reporter asked:

“There's a cat stuck up a tree. What should I do?”

Bobbi replied:

“Rock on, Tommy!”

The cat remained in the tree.

The Weekly Wally has been unable to establish how this advice would assist with its removal.

Questions have also arisen over the identity of the assistant.

The system is called Bobbi. However, its response bears a striking resemblance to a catchphrase associated with comedian Bobby Ball.

This newspaper has therefore considered whether the artificial intelligence may have been modelled on the wrong Bobby.

No evidence has been found that Bobby Ball was involved in the development of the system.

This has not prevented the investigation from continuing.

At the scene, Tac remained in the tree and appeared to be watching activity below. A white van was parked nearby while two men deposited furniture and rubbish beside the road.

A sofa was among the items left at the scene.

The Weekly Wally has been unable to establish whether the sofa was intended to assist with getting the cat down.

Bobbi was not asked.

BANK'S MOSTLY PLAYING CARDS VOTES TO HOLD

Six members chose HOLD while three wanted HIGHER at the Bank of England's latest meeting.

A brightly lit Bank of England game-show scene shows a surprised silver-haired host beside a board headed ‘Bank Rate’ and ‘Higher or Lower?’. The display reads ‘HOLD’, with cards showing 3.75% and 4.00% and an MPC vote panel showing HOLD 6 and HIGHER 3. Tac sits beside policy books and a Westminster Dispatch newspaper headed ‘Interest Rate Decision Today’.

Mostly Playing Cards reaches its decision at the Bank of England. HOLD has defeated HIGHER by six votes to three. Tac appears to be paying attention to something else.

By Our Financial Correspondent

The Bank of England's Mostly Playing Cards has voted by six to three to hold Bank Rate at 3.75%. Three members preferred to raise it to 4%.

The decision appears to have been reached during a game of Higher or Lower. Photographic evidence obtained by The Weekly Wally shows a board marked BANK RATE and HIGHER OR LOWER?, together with cards displaying 3.75% and 4.00%. The answer HOLD is illuminated prominently in the centre.

This newspaper can therefore confirm that MPC stands for Mostly Playing Cards.

The Bank of England says the letters stand for Monetary Policy Committee.

This newspaper has seen the board.

Mostly Playing Cards has nine members. This initially presented a difficulty because nine people would appear to be unnecessary for a game involving two choices and a card. Further examination has resolved the matter.

One of them must be the dealer.

The method by which members indicate their choice has not been published. This newspaper has also been unable to establish whether the dealer votes.

Six members selected HOLD while three chose HIGHER. Nobody chose LOWER.

The Weekly Wally understands that Bank Rate will consequently remain at 3.75% until Mostly Playing Cards meets again. Whether the next round will involve a different card has not been announced.

The identity of the silver-haired man standing beside the board has not been established.

CORRECTION

An earlier version of this article said the decision was published on Wednesday.

It was published on Thursday.

RECORD OF THE WEEK

The Starmeroids — Down The Dispatch Box

Record sleeve for The Starmeroids' Down The Dispatch Box.

Parliament has rarely been this loud.

Available on all major platforms. Chart position pending review.

The Weekly Wally understands that several platforms have been unable to locate the chart. Investigations continue.